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***Editor’s note: Krusty does not write seeking anyone’s approval. Some language is intended for mature audiences.***

Recently, a “conservatarian” here in Iowa wrote a doltish piece for an otherwise semi-intellectual website in which she offered five reasons why Republicans should vote for Jo Jorgensen instead of President Trump next week.

I’ll give you the Cliff’s Notes version: you should vote for the Loosertarian candidate because she’ll be better on the national debt, taxes, education, the Second Amendment, and the First Amendment – because Jo Jorgensen says she will. The problem is, like most Loosertarians, she’s lying.

First off, she’s never going to win. You want to know what the historical average of the national vote for Loosertarians is over the past 48 years? It’s a whopping 0.678 percent of the popular vote. Ron Paul, bless his goofy soul, won three times the number of votes in the 2008 GOP primary as he won as the Loosertarian candidate in the 1988 general election; he won five times as many in 2012.

Even if she pulls as many votes as Gary Johnson, which would equal about a third of the votes the Loosertarians have gotten in the past 12 elections combined, she still won’t crack 5 percent – maybe not even 3 percent.

I’m not going to piss on you and tell you it’s raining: a lot of what the Loosertarians stand for is pretty good. It’s just woefully misguided and hopelessly naïve. If I were going to rebuild the United States of America in today’s environment, I’d start with at least half of their current platform, and then fix the rest.

It’s that other half of the Loosertarians’ platform that ensures they will always finish third (or worse) in the general election. Here are some of those points, quoted straight from the document (with translations):

  • “Sexual orientation, preference, gender, or gender identity should have no impact on the government’s treatment of individuals, such as in current marriage, child custody, adoption, immigration, or military service laws. Government does not have the authority to define, promote, license, or restrict personal relationships, regardless of the number of participants.” (Gay marriage and adoption are OK. Polyamorous relationships are good, too.)
  • “Recognizing that abortion is a sensitive issue and that people can hold good-faith views on all sides, we believe that government should be kept out of the matter, leaving the question to each person for their conscientious consideration.” (Your knocked-up 12-year-old wants to murder her unborn child in the third trimester without telling you? They’re perfectly fine with it.)
  • “[W]e favor the repeal of all laws creating “crimes” without victims, such as gambling, the use of drugs for medicinal or recreational purposes, and consensual transactions involving sexual services.” (Making and selling meth to children outside their school is perfectly OK, as is setting up a whorehouse across the street.)
  • “We support the removal of governmental impediments to free trade. Political freedom and escape from tyranny demand that individuals not be unreasonably constrained by government in the crossing of political boundaries. Economic freedom demands the unrestricted movement of human as well as financial capital across national borders.” (No tariffs whatsoever, even if other governments impose them. Anyone who wants to enter the U.S. may do so at any time. No immigration restrictions or quotas.)

I read their platform and try to imagine the utopia the Loosertarians are absolutely sure they would create if they could ever convince enough sane people to put them in charge. Instead, all I see are visions of CHOP in Seattle or Tombstone, Ariz., in the latter half of 1881 (Google it if you’re not history-savvy enough to get the reference).

Look, I’m as conservatarian as they come, but I’m not going to pretend that just switching over the “liberty” cold turkey ends in anything short of an absolute shit-show. And, arguably, you need not look any further than the most conservatarian guy in Washington to see the fallacy of the Loosertarian/Team Jo argument.

So, here’s what Sen. Rand Paul had to say about President Donald Trump just a few weeks ago:

“I’m proud of the job Donald Trump has done as president. I don’t always agree with him, but our occasional policy differences are far outweighed by our significant agreements. But more important than simple agreement is accomplishment. President Trump gets things done.

“When some in Congress wanted a so-called revenue-neutral tax plan, Donald Trump and I worked together to make sure that it was a true tax cut. I brought President Trump an idea for better, less expensive health insurance called Association Health Plans. Donald Trump overturned years of red tape and bureaucrats and he made it happen.

“While others talked about criminal justice reform, President Trump actually signed the First Step Act, the first real reform in a generation and one that sought to undo the harm that others like Joe Biden have done. For those of us who lament the Biden crime bill that locked up a generation of young black men, remember that Biden bragged about a bill that still wreaks havoc among people of color.

“I’m supporting President Trump because he believes as I do, that a strong America cannot fight endless wars. We must not continue to leave our blood and treasure in Middle East quagmires.

“I flew with him to Dover Air Force Base to honor two soldiers whose remains were coming home from Afghanistan. I’ll never forget that evening. I can tell you the president not only felt the pain of these families, but that the president is committed to ending this war.

“President Trump is the first president in a generation to seek to end war rather than start one. He intends to end the war in Afghanistan. He is bringing our men and women home. Madison once wrote, ‘No nation can preserve its freedom in the midst of continuous warfare.’ I’m proud to finally see a president who agrees with that.”

You can watch the rest of that speech right here. Now, you can dismiss those as the words of a career politician – but they’re also the words of the leading voice of the conservatarian movement. You have to acknowledge that, unless your state of denial has descended into full-blown Stage IV TDS.

The next few weeks are going to be a wild ride, especially for the libtards and the Never Trump eunuchs. Regardless of how this election goes, someone’s going to unhappy about it in a very tables-ladders-and-chairs kind of way.

In the meantime, I’m just here to pop the corn. The world’s already burning.

Author: Krusty Konservatus

Krustopher Konservatus is a true-blue conservative who’s had it with slinging the GOP establishment’s shit just to ensure the Republican Party picks up the “W” on Election Night. He writes exclusively for The Iowa Standard. If you like his work, support the damn website, you freeloaders!