Keep the Iowa Standard Going!
When Jacob Hall first approached me to do this, there was only one stipulation: no f-bombs. I thought I could live with that, but the longer this sham of an election continues, the harder I find it to not drop a couple 10-megaton expletives.
So, I’ll do my best. But you’ve been warned: I’m %$@#! furious right about now. Not just “you screwed up my order for the bazillionth time, McDonald’s” mad – I’m talking “ready to pull the trigger and burn it all down myself” irate.
I’m not mad at the Democrats. I mean, they’ve been doing all of these things since at least 1960. Ballot harvesting and registering dead people to vote is old school for them. But usually, they did it under the cover of darkness – in secret.
If you don’t believe the Democrats are stealing the election, please understand you have no problem with this convoluted logic (because all of these statements, as of this writing, are factual):
- Biden wins more total votes than Obama did in 2008
- Biden underperforms Obama 2008 in cities, except in Georgia, Michigan, Pennsylvania, and Wisconsin
- Biden underperforms Clinton 2016 in cities, except in Georgia, Michigan, Pennsylvania, and Wisconsin
- Biden outperforms his party’s Senate candidates in Georgia, Michigan, Pennsylvania, and Wisconsin
- Biden underperforms his party’s Senate candidates in Virginia, New Hampshire, and Rhode Island
- Biden wins late mail-in votes with 90-plus-percent margins in several key cities
- House Republicans ADD at least five seats in the upcoming Congress
This time, they’re stealing the election in broad daylight and they don’t give a flying %$@#! what you think about it – because they know the Republicans won’t do a damn thing to stop them. I mean, they haven’t done anything about Democrat cheating methods – ever, so who would expect them to do so now?
But Democrats have been telegraphing what they were going to do for at least the past 24 months. And just two months ago, Hillary Clinton went over dotted “I” and crossed “T” of the Democrat playbook, explaining exactly how Biden would win the election in the courts.
To paraphrase Barry Soetoro: “Never underestimate the Republican Party’s ability to %$@#! things up.’
But what if it wasn’t absolute fecklessness, but willful refusal to defend the president, the party platform, and the party’s base electorate?
Let’s face it. Donald Trump isn’t their guy. He doesn’t belong in their clubs. His winning the 2016 nomination was just as much an aberration to the GOP hierarchy as his general election victory was to the Democratic Party bigwigs.
It wasn’t supposed to go down like that, and now the American people need to be punished for coloring outside the lines. The Establishment – also known as The Swamp and The Deep State – is about to give us all an ass-beating for what we did in 2016.
Think I’m lying? Here are Uncle Joe’s actual accomplishments over the past 47 years:
- fought against school segregation because he didn’t want his children stuck in a “racial jungle”;
- raised taxes on Social Security not once, but twice; and
- wrote the Violent Crime Control and Law Enforcement Act of 1994 – also known as the 1994 Crime Bill – that created the environment in which Black Lives Matter now accuses police of “systemic racism.”
Over the next four years, expect more of the same. But don’t expect the Republicans – especially those in the Senate – to actually do anything to stop it. I can’t tell you how many rank-and-file Republicans I’ve seen post the following, or words to their effect: “Whomever wins, wins.” Never mind the Republic has been lost – likely forever. It just wouldn’t be appropriate to lose your shit over what’s happening right now, so just take it like a pro.
And you wonder why the Republican Party won’t put up a fight against the Democrats. Want a different outcome? Light a fire under your Republicans’ asses and get them on the ball.
In the meantime, I’m just here to pop the corn. The world’s already burning.