Krusty is back, well this Krusty is, and he is not happy with the GOP

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***Editor’s note: Krusty does not write seeking anyone’s approval. Some language is intended for mature audiences.***

First off, no, I’m not THAT Krusty. Or that OTHER Krusty. Or any of the other douches who used the name in the past. I’m me. That’s all you need to know, but in fairness to readers at The Iowa Standard, you deserved to know.

Yes, I just used the word “douche” in a sentence. I know lots of other adult words, some of which I may or may not use in the future. Grow up and get over it, or just don’t read anymore. I couldn’t care less. Most of you currently feigning offense have used much worse language – as have I. I’m just not as big of a hypocrite about it.

So, here’s the ground rules going forward:

1. Do something stupid, I’ll probably write about it.
2. Say something stupid, I’ll probably write about it.
3. Try to hide your stupidity – or pretend it didn’t happen – I’ll definitely write about it.
4. If I write about it, I don’t care what you think about it.
5. I’m not here to be your friend.
6. The world is burning and I’m just popping the corn.
7. I reserve the right to change the rules anytime I want.


I suppose I could talk about last night’s debate, but I won’t. At this point in time,
everyone knows everything they need to know about the candidates that they need to know. The low-information voters have been locked in since the pseudo-conventions.

Oh, come on, you know you’ve seen the low-information Republican. Shit-posting whatever internal-narrative-affirming QAnon garbage they can find on the interwebs. You know the stuff that’s just blatantly false, like “Hunter Biden’s Baby Momma Says She Sat In On Ukraine Deals.”

Stuff that wouldn’t require a whole lot of effort (or intelligence) to sniff out as legitimate fake news.

I see it literally every day, multiple times, on social media, and I can’t imagine I’m the only one of us being subjected to it.

The more I think about it, though, I suppose these folks would be more accurately described as low-information MAGA voters. I guess with Team Trump having effectively taken over the GOP brand over the past four years, the terms are virtually synonymous.

Don’t fret, though. That’s not the kind of GOP stupidity the headline was implying. Instead, I’m talking about the four Republican nominees running for Congress this year.

It could be true that one-armed chimp named Bonkers with an “R” behind his name could get elected because Democrats have so badly outkicked their coverage this year. Then again, it could be true that still need a reason to completely darken the oval in front of a candidate’s name on the ballot – or better yet, to even bother to go vote at all – especially when the establishment propaganda arm known as the Media Industrial Complex is pumping their heads full of fear porn about the corona-cooties 24-7.

Speaking of COVID-19: the disease is real, but the response has been contrived for reasons we may never fully understand until it’s too late (how’s THAT for some fear porn?). I refer you back to Rule 6.

But I digress. Let’s take a quick look at the four Republicans running for the U.S. House in Iowa next week:

Ashley Hinson a former teleprompter reader who apparently was absent the day they talked about plagiarism in journalism school has been caught copying her Democrat opponent’s positions on several key issues and then blaming it on her “consulting firm,” which she hired directly out of the Swamp itself, and is now trying to figure out how to win when the latest polls show her 14 points behind a first-term incumbent who literally did NOTHING for two years.
Mariannette Miller-Meeks – a pro-choice-pretending-to-be-pro-life apparent masochist who seems to think “the fifth time is the charm”and can’t understand why she’s trailing almost as badly as her colleague in the 1st Congressional District in the polls.
David Young – not the old David Young, but the new-and-improved-really-conservative David Young (wink, nod) who is absolutely certain he can win back his seat because no one will remember how he stabbed the voters in the back from the first moment he was inside the House Chamber the first time around (which probably explains his own double-digit deficit in the polls).
Randy Feenstra – stabbed the only truly conservative Iowan in Congress in the back and used his position as a state legislator to change the rules for primaries to prevent said conservative from running as an independent (the legislation was written by his in-session roomie in Des Moines), but can’t figure out why there’s an active write-in campaign underway, or why he can’t get more than a single-digit lead over his Democrat opponent in Iowa’s most conservative congressional district.


Before you even ask, the answer to the question – how did we get here? – is simple: you*. Let’s face it, there aren’t any
libtards reading this right now. The asterisk covers the handful of Losertarians among the audience (more on them next time). The rest of the “you” means Republicans, in general.

We got here because this is how a large number of us voted in the primaries. So, it’s our own damn fault. But, it does beg the question: Why are we so bleeping stupid? Might I suggest it’s because far too many of us are not-as-low-information Republican voters who depend on the likes of Faux News to help use inform our decision-making processes.

If you want to earn back my respect, you’re gonnahave to do better – a lot better. Start by reading more history and less social media. Or, just get used to the idea of Iowa being a “blue state” for generations to come.

Like I said, I’m just here to pop the corn. The world’s already burning.

Krustopher Konservatus is a true-blue conservative who’s had it with slinging the GOP establishment’s shit just to ensure the Republican Party picks up the “W” on Election Night. He writes exclusively for The Iowa Standard. If you like his work, support the damn website, you freeloaders!

Krusty Konservatus

Author: Krusty Konservatus

Krustopher Konservatus is a true-blue conservative who’s had it with slinging the GOP establishment’s shit just to ensure the Republican Party picks up the “W” on Election Night. He writes exclusively for The Iowa Standard. If you like his work, support the damn website, you freeloaders!